Wow, way to take all the fun out of Halloween! We’re not supposed to be eating so much sugar. We can’t dress up as anything that will offend any ethnic group or sexual orientation. Schools are even canceling costume parades because they don’t want to upset the tiny minority of kids who don’t have costumes.
And now the government is going after our pumpkins?? Oh yes…
According to the Washington Times, the Department of Energy claims carved jack o’ lanterns are responsible for unleashing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and contributing to CLIMATE CHANGE!
“Most of the 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins produced in the U.S. end up in the trash, says the Energy Department’s website, becoming part of the “more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste (MSW) produced in the United States every year.”
Municipal solid waste decomposes into methane, “a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide,” Energy says.”
Talk about scary! But of course, the government has a solution. Turn all that waste into energy!
“Municipal solid waste can be used to harness bioenergy, the Energy Department says, which can help the U.S. become less dependent on carbon-based fuels while limiting stress on landfills by reducing waste. The agency has partnered with industry to develop and test two integrated biorefineries — “facilities capable of efficiently converting plant and waste material into affordable biofuels, biopower and other products.”
Of course none of that is functional at the moment, so for the time being you’ll just have to mulch that shriveled pumpkin, after you’ve figured out what to do with all those little boxes of raisins the neighborhood kids didn’t want.
[Note: This article was written in costume by Michele Hickford]